i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
