dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
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It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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