Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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