My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize