my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think my moral compass just broke
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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