Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
