Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
