just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
