The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
