i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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