drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
