upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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