just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
