i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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