I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
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I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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