You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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