Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
