good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
