my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
