I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
