even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
