So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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