just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You took a bar mat shot.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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