Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
