I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
