This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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