My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
