He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
