I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
