I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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