The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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