At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
