you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
im calling her cock vulture from now on
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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