sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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