Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Enjoy the penises
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
