Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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