Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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