he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
