I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
