peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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