She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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