Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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