I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
