it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
