I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
