Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
