I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
