I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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