I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
