Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
