last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
my poor anus
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
