chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
