im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
