my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
