My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
