After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
