There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
