all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
