Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
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Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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