I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
