I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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