We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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